Frankie Carr IGCSE transformation
The stimulus I used was a hawk roosting.
I’m a hawk who has razor sharp talons, a razor sharp beak and incredible eyesight to see what is going on in the forest around me. I have a huge wingspan that is held together by all of the feathers on my body.
Living on the outskirts of Alaska isn’t easy. The temperature is low and the small amount of animals that live here in the winter ensures that I work hard for my food. The bears, deer, wolves and moose that live here in abundance are far too big for me to hunt. The animals I can hunt are the hardest to catch because of the conditions of where they live. The water of the Yukon river freezes over in the winter because of the unbearable climate and makes it near impossible for me to hunt. Also, the mice and small rodents that burrow into the white frozen snow making their dens, which I am far too big to get in. The people who live in the area don’t make it easy, especially during the summer. The hunting season with the loud guns that echo throughout the forest, scares away the wildlife that I try to hunt.
During the winter the forest is covered in thick white snow as far as I can see. I start flying across the border of Alaska, flying through the dense fog that covers the ground and blocks my vision. Searching for hours for mice and other small rodents along the frozen, forest floor exhausts me. I watch other animals foraging for food before hibernation begins. I watch the fast flowing, white water rapids whilst flying downstream and notice the giant fish that inhabit the river, knowing they are out of my reach under the frozen solid water. Whilst I am flying, I spot the men and women fishing alongside the river, also stocking up for the winter. The sun sets under the horizon. Tired and hungry, I glide through the forest and try to find my nest to perch in for the night. The strong winds stop me from heading in the right direction, but the freezing temperatures surrounding me are almost unbearable to stay out in. With the strong snow weighing me down, I fight hard to reach my nest high in the trees, containing the food I have gathered throughout the month. Everything In the forest has a thick white coat of snow. I notice a small, grey mouse sprinting through the forest, over the crisp, snowy ground. Throwing myself from the branch, I release my talons and start to plummet to the floor at high speed. I level out and grab the fragile mouse which was running along in freezing temperatures. With the mouse in my claws, as cold as ice and as stiff as rock because of the unbearable temperatures, I fly higher and higher avoiding the surrounding trees. Whilst I am scouting through the high trees with the brittle leaves hitting against my delicate feathers which piece me together I try hard to keep hold of my prey. I try to stop flying, but the strong upwind carries me into the dense forest, I see the lights of the rushing traffic and busy city and can hear the noises of cars in the distance.
Whilst I am flying over the busy road I hear the bells in the shops that are busy with people getting all of their food for the winter. To get to my nest at the top of the tree, I have to travel past one more obstacle, the mass of dense, bushy trees lining the start of the forest whilst still battling the heavy snow and the strong winds that are pushing me back. With one final burst of energy, I glide through the sharp branches of the tree to reach my comfortable nest. I release my prey and nestle down, fluffing up my feathers to keep me warm. I slowly close my eyes and fall asleep, exhausted until the sun rises again in the morning.

January 11, 2015 at 2:23 pm
Frankie, there are some really nice features here that make for a strong first draft. Your vocabulary is ambitious and often adds to the overall tone of the piece. You have really captured the majesty of the animal. Next steps:
1) There are a few grammatical errors in the piece. Check your capital letters, sentence structures and use of punctuation. There are times when you use dependant clauses as stand alone sentences.
2) There are times when you let the tone of your piece slip, by using more analytical phrases. For example, ‘for example’ is used. This breaks the tone of the piece.
3) Have a think about what you want the reader to feel when they read the piece. Then use what the hawk can see, touch, smell, taste and hear to capture this emotion.
If I were to award this a grade, I would currently award it a 30/40 (Grade C).